saying sorry

for me, three of the hardest words to say are ... I am sorry.

I learned a lesson about forgiveness. a lesson about understanding what is going on in the world around without being the centre of it. I hurt someone who was important in my life and when I apologized, what I got in return was a question. can you forgive yourself, the question rang.

whenever I said I was sorry, until that point, I really only wanted the person I hurt to put me back to the place I thought was rightfully mine. my past apologies ring like an echo of selfishness. but the world is not mine, I am no master of puppets. I am simply selfish and arrogant but I have learnt that these two things hurt the most.

forgiveness is about seeing the monster in you. seeing the part in you that is not nice. all the things that nobody would like to have, but are there. the things that make you choke on all the apologies anyone has ever had to say. and when there is no air to breathe, life ends. the life in you. the life in me.

you cannot touch or smell it. you can feel no taste of it. and most definitely, you cannot hear it coming. maybe this is why forgiveness is so hard. granting it. accepting it. it is one of those things that make you stop and gasp for air.

I have not forgiven myself. this is why I cannot say ... I am sorry.